Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
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Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
True
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Shoo shoo! 😂
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate