me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
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Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Real House Wines.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.