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I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
is there nothing we can trust anymore
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?