“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
You Might Also Like
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left