I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
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*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Clients after you give them your rates
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?