never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Me too
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*