My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
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Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Whisper out to librarians!
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing