Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
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When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds