The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
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inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
This will never not be funny to me.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.