I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
You Might Also Like
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.