Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
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Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
he was correct
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.