Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
You Might Also Like
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March