Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
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Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”