“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
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You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
But I really needed water water water
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?