INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
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Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Mummies are just super modest zombies
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank