WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
🤣🤣🤣
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.