Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
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The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Made something I’m not proud of
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.