If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I hope Alan is OK
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing