I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
this will hang in the louvre one day
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”