Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
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Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
secret recipe
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.