From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
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How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: