“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
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When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.