Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
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I am never leaving this website
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
He’s cranky this morning
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.