Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
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Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”