I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
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I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?