A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
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morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT