Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.