Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
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“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*