One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
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Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
house sitting!
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget