Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
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So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
goldfish mafia
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.