Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
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Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.