Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
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you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.