Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
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I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
opening twitter today
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.