You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
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They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell