*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
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Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
The real reason evolution started..😂
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*