Egyptians don’t walk like that.
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Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
my professor scared me for a second
I might carry a baby with one hand.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.