Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
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Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*