My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
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Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.