No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
i hope my email finds you on fire
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol