Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
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[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Any refunds available?…
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over