Fighting on twitter be like 馃ぃ
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Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I鈥檓 almost 13 – I鈥檓 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I鈥檓 15.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
i鈥檒l never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
No more excuses…
….next year I鈥檓 getting that exorcism.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!