I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
You Might Also Like
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Nice try, poison.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”