I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
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Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.