Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
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[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My god she’s good.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair