How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
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Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
the Monday after daylight savings
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.