[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
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What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
me after drinking all the wine:
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
#growingpains
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge