Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
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We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife