Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
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I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
men are simple creatures
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out