If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
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Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Does beer think about me too?
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Every time.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more