Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
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Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
fr
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
gentlemen, hear me out
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
The options really are this bad
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me